They say your boss has a greater impact on your health than your doctor.
Over the past few months, I’ve been working with “Jane,” a client who is in recovery from her latest work experience. She left voluntarily, but not without some scars. Jane is taking some time to figure out her next step and take care of her health, so we’ve been working on debriefing her experience together. What we’ve uncovered is that Jane had a toxic relationship with her manager, “Angela,” and her mental and physical health were suffering. It’s going to take time to undo the damage of that relationship.
If you are noticing any of the following patterns of behavior in your own relationship with your boss, your health might also be suffering – even if you don’t feel it yet.
- You don’t know which version of your boss you are going to get on a given day.
Before leaving her position, Jane once asked me, “Is it normal to be anxious before every single weekly check-in with your boss? I just don’t know which version of Angela I am going to get.” No, that’s not normal. It’s OK to want to put your best foot forward with your manager, but if the person you work most closely with brings you physical feelings of anxiety on a regular basis, that is not a healthy relationship. Especially if the anxiety is caused by such a wild fluctuation in the way you are treated.
- You find yourself defending your manager’s actions, even when he/she acts in a way that doesn’t align with your values.
Jane had a small team of direct reports. They would sometimes comment on how difficult Angela was to work for, and would ask Jane for advice. Ever the professional, Jane would never consider undermining her boss. But she would often find herself defending Angela’s actions. She’d focus on all of the skills and experience Angela brought to the organization as a rationale for accepting her bad behavior. While it seemed right in the moment, Jane later reflected that she was making excuses for Angela that weren’t warranted. Jane said “It reminded me so much of an abusive relationship – when you hear the victim defending the abuser.” If you start to make excuses for behavior that doesn’t align with your values, you probably want to take a step back and look at whether or not you actually believe those excuses.
- The feedback you are getting from your manager is both internally inconsistent and wildly inconsistent with feedback you have gotten previously in your career.
As Jane liked to say, this was not her first rodeo. Jane had over 20 years of working experience, held multiple leadership positions, and had reported to many different types of managers throughout that time. For the first time ever, Jane received a very low rating on her performance review. Angela criticized her for her management of her team, her communication skills, and her ability to prioritize. While Jane was, of course, open to feedback, she was struck by how diametrically opposed this feedback was to any feedback she had received in any other role. Another confusing aspect of the feedback was that she sometimes was praised quite highly by Angela – so she started doubting any positive feedback at all. Of course your performance can vary from role to role and manager to manager – but when feedback is inconsistent and is suddenly and inexplicably different without a significant change in your behavior, it is something to question.
- You feel like you’re crazy and start questioning your own skills.
“Angela is acting like we didn’t have that terrible conversation yesterday – maybe I imagined it or took it the wrong way?” The deeper Jane got into working with Angela, the more these questions came up. In addition, Angela would occasionally drop a passive aggressive comment like “I’m not even sure you know what this job is supposed to be.” Self-doubt can do a lot of damage. You can be the most confident person in the world, and when someone starts questioning your value, it’s easy to start questioning it yourself. Unfortunately, the impact of this can last. As Jane works through this period of transition, she had a moment where she said to me, “I don’t know – have I ever really contributed value to any organization I worked for?” Logically, Jane knows that isn’t true. But the damage of hearing that from your boss is hard to overcome.
- Your boundaries crumble – you work on weekends and evenings to be “hyper prepared” in order to reduce risk.
Boundaries are important for maintaining your physical, mental, and emotional health. Jane’s boundaries were non-existent while working with Angela. She found herself working at least one day of every weekend and always spent an hour or two at the computer after making dinner for her family. Angela sent mixed messages about boundaries; she preached that it was important to take time off, shared the things she herself did to recharge, and always asked about Jane’s weekend. But her expectations were such that Jane felt it was impossible to take time off. It was simply easier to put in those hours to avoid the inevitable disappointment from Angela come Monday, and besides, Angela would often reach out during Jane’s “down time” and expect a response. Jane shared how frustrating it became to hear Angela share about her weekend on Monday (entertaining friends for dinner, playing pickleball, engaging in creative hobbies) when all Jane had done was work and sleep – utterly exhausted from the work week.
As Jane works through this time of transition, she is slowly emerging from the impact of this relationship. She is starting to remember what it is like to have energy on the weekend and to make plans to see friends. She is remembering her worth and what she has to offer professionally. Her emotional and physical health are improving and she is excited about going back to work, rather than dreading every day.
Jane is just one of many friends and colleagues I know who have experienced these types of challenges. Do you need help navigating what might be a toxic relationship with your manager? Reach out and let’s talk – I am here to listen and support!
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