If you speak to people who used to work on my teams over the years, I think they would tell you that I prioritized health, wellness, and family over work demands. If someone had a sick child, I encouraged them to focus on the child rather than worry about the work. If someone had a personal crisis, I worked with them to cover their responsibilities so that they could manage the crisis and not let things slip.
And yet.
Here are two actual scenes from my work history:
- I once fell and hit my head (hard) on the sidewalk after walking my kids to school. The next day, I sat up and the world spun. Terribly. Later that day I was on Zoom for a Leadership Team meeting. I had shared what had happened (it was clear I had a major concussion) and said “I’ll be fine, I’ll just keep my video off.”
- Another time, I participated in a panel interview for a CEO candidate via Zoom. From my car. In a parking lot. After stepping out of a family lunch following the funeral of a close family member.
And these are just the two moments that come to mind. So yes, I was good to my people, but I wasn’t always good to myself. What message did that send to them?
Giving yourself the grace you give to others
There’s a person I follow on Instagram and LinkedIn who writes a lot about toxic work culture and leadership. I consider him a colleague even though we’ve never met or communicated directly.
He has been promoting a workshop for the last few weeks. It looked like it was going to be great, and the response had been really positive. The workshop was supposed to be held this past Saturday, and I was going to have houseguests. So I was keeping an eye on it but hadn’t registered.
His content is really good, and based on that alone, I have a lot of respect for him. But what he did on Thursday meant more to me than any content.
Late in the afternoon, I received this email:
Hi Beth,
I need to let you know that The [Topic] workshop, originally scheduled for this Saturday, will be postponed.
Due to an unexpected family loss, I’ll be stepping away from work for the next few days.
I’m still fully committed to delivering this training, and you’ll be the first to know once the new date is confirmed.
No action is needed on your part. I’ll follow up with details as soon as possible.
Thank you for your understanding and for being part of this community.
Warmly,
This is a leadership lesson in and of itself.
- I imagine a lot of work went into this workshop. This guy has 230,000 followers on Instagram. I don’t know what that translates to when you offer a workshop, but I’m sure it’s not small. And I assume he had a team ready to assist him with tech, delivery, etc. Yet he made the right call.
- He modeled flexibility and humanity. He named out loud and for his entire audience that there are things more important than work.
- Please note that the email contains no apology. He demonstrated through his actions that he has nothing to apologize for.
As leaders, sometimes we put the needs of others first. We allow flexibility for people on our team. “Of course you should take that time off.” But we hold ourselves to a higher standard. We tell ourselves we can’t skip things because no one else can do it, we say “It’s no big deal, I’ll just hop on and do that workshop; all the work is already done.”
But when we do that, we send a mixed signal. People are confused. “She says we should take care of ourselves, but she’s not doing the same. Does she really mean it?” We make it harder for folks to self-advocate because they worry we might judge them for it.
When a leader models this behavior, it can be a breath of fresh air. Your team realizes you are serious about that expectation. They say “Oh, she really meant it when she said ‘prioritize your family’ or “take care of yourself.’”
I shouldn’t have been surprised to get an email like this from this particular person, given what I know about him and his work. And yet – I was. I just think there still aren’t enough people who so publicly model centering humanity in the workplace, even when they tout it as one of their core values..
I know I have work to do in this area, as evidenced by the snippets above. I think I’m getting better though, and these moments give me the chance to reflect.
What about you? Are you giving yourself the grace you give to others?
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